Stephon Marbury Actually Does Something Good

I hate the New York Knicks. Why do I hate the New York Knicks? Well, it's because I love the New York Knicks. Love and hate aren't opposites. Not caring, as opposed to hate, is the opposite of love. Love and hate, rather, are just flip sides of the same emotional coin. I hate the Knicks because of what they've become. The Knicks were an immense part of my childhood. I grew up in North Jersey about a decade before anyone actually rooted for the Nets. I went to games at Madison Square Garden with my dad every winter and heard stories of the games he attended twenty years earlier watching the likes of Walt Frazier, Willis Reed, Earl Monroe and Bill Bradley. I watched games nightly on the MSG network. I loved the Knicks.

Those were the days of Patrick Ewing, Charles Oakley, Mark Jackson and Gerald Wilkins. The teams of the eighties and early nineties were blue collar, hard working, tough teams that made the playoffs every year and, while never winning a championship, were a professional, successful bunch that I was proud to call my own and attempt to emulate on the blacktops of suburban Jersey. During that time the Knicks even had a perfect player for me to pretend to be - Mark Jackson. We were both slow point guards who made our teammates better and unleashed a clutch 3 here and there.

With the retirement of Pat Ewing and the arrivals of Scott Layden and the basketball antichrist, Isiah Thomas, the Knicks have become a laughing stock. Where their identity used to be intimidating and intense, they are now lazy and selfish. They used to have one superstar and 11 role players and challenged for the championship every year. Now they have at least 5 guys who see themselves as superstars yet they are one of the worst 5 teams in the league, if not the very worst.

Where the prototype of the Knick of my youth was rebounding specialist, enforcer and all-around badass Charles Oakley, the exemplar of the current Knicks is Stephon Marbury. Immensely talented, this self-proclaimed best point guard in the NBA has been a player that no team has wanted to hold onto. In his short career he has been on the Timberwolves, Nets, Suns and Knicks. His numbers have always been excellent, but his teams never, ever, ever win. He is a selfish point guard who knows how to isolate and score, but doesn't know how to make his teammates better. He's sullen, entitled and the master of the 35 point, 12 assist game where his team loses and instead of contrite he's bitter and surly. The Knicks currently have several versions of Stephon. They seem to be collecting unpleasant guards with good statistics who don't know how to win. Steve Francis is Stephon's doppelganger. Jamal Crawford is Marbury, only several years younger. Eddy Curry is Stephon as a center with a heart problem. And by that I mean his actual heart, not the metaphorical heart that every Knick seems to lack these days.

Could there be another side to the self-anointed Starbury? Could there actually be a good guy underneath all the glowering and losing?

Perhaps.

Marbury has recently released a basketball shoe that is listed at $15. NBA star endorsed basketball shoes, while regularly costing more than $100 (the new Air Jordan goes for $175), exploit nearly everyone involved while glorifying and enriching the stars and the sneaker companies. Foreign labor that makes the shoes for pennies is exploited. The majority low income, majority African American customer base to whom the shoes are targeted are exploited by the companies that have made the shoes inner city status symbols. The Iversons, Wades and Jordans don't seem to care about any of this. My complaints about the labor issues of basketball shoes and predatory nature of their marketing aren't in the least bit new or novel. They have been made again and again, only to fall on the deaf ears of basketball players and sneaker execs alike.

Until now. Stephon Marbury is actually looking to break the trend of star endorsed sneakers. He is not only creating and marketing his shoes, but unlike Shaq, who has a low cost shoe available at Payless, he'll actually wear them in games.

So, good for you Starbury. Knick nation can now only hope that your good intentions and selflessness carry from the board room to the court this season.

Let's Hug It Out

I've always watched HBO's "Entourage." I admit, I only watched it because it was scheduled right after a much better show that I had actually planned to watch. But, as HBO hoped, I didn't change the channel, and I watched it as well. However, during this season, I actually took a liking to the show. I don't watch "Deadwood" or whatever other deadbeat show they put on before it; I started to make a conscious effort to watch "Entourage." I don't know what happened, but something in me began to really enjoy the show. I will admit, however, that it might have something to do with my finding out that Jeremy Piven is single and Jewish. Now that the season's over, I'm genuinely saddened and am excited for the next one. Edit: WAS excited. After reading this, I'm not so sure anymore. At least he's playing a part he knows and does well.

And in case you read Unpublished Author regularly, don't worry Jeremy, I'll still watch.

Rumsfeld Talks, Orwell Grins In His Grave

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld gave a speech today equating critics of the Bush administration and its war effort with terrorist appeasers.

What would Rumsfeld like? A government run thought police stifling all opposition, listening in on all opposing voices and quashing any divergent opinion with jack booted fervor? Isn't that the type of thing that we went to war in Iraq to stomp out? I seem to recall that it is, but I can't keep track of all of the Bush team's reasons for this war (WMD, liberating Iraqis, spreading democracy, fighting terrorists over there so we don't have to fight them over here, lovely desert vacations for working class American 19-year olds...).

How dare Rumsfeld, who has presided over a war that is rivaled only by the Vietnam campaign as the worst managed military effort in the last 100 years, scold fellow citizens for criticizing his work. The man is lucky that he still has a job.

In related news, Isiah Thomas today attacked New York Knicks fans for talking poorly of his performance as general manager. Apparently, speaking the idea that Thomas is a bumbling fool only emboldens the enemy, i.e. Bill Simmons, and leads to more Knicks losses. As if that was possible.

ConeBone69

This justifies the nonsexual crush I have on Conan O'Brien.

Do You Know What It Means To Miss New Orleans?

Today, August 29th, marks the one year anniversary of devastation meeting the city of New Orleans.

This anniversary is a day to mourn. We need to mourn the lives of over 1,000 people who perished in the wake of the storm and our nation's slovenly and unconcerned response to their desperate need. We need to mourn New Orleans herself. The city that was a world unto itself, the city that gave us jazz, the city whose hedonistic AfroCaribbean soul infected all who visited with an intangible and unexplainable essence is no longer. Something is there, between the Mississippi and Lake Ponchartrain, but it isn't what was there on August 28th, 2005. Where there was light there is darkness, where there was life there is neglect, and where there was spirit there is lamentable emptiness.

This anniversary is a day to celebrate. There was unquestioned heroism in the awful days after the levees broke. Police and firemen worked for days without sleep or food, many having lost their homes and possessions. Doctors fought flood, lack of power, sniper fire, and overwhelming contamination to keep patients alive at Charity Hospital while our nation's leader flew overhead in a jet for a pathetic and impotent photo op. Parents kept their children alive while stranded in the dark pit of hell that was the Morial Convention Center. Volunteers came from all across the country to hand out food and travel through the city streets in boats to rescue their New Orleanian brothers and sisters.

This anniversary is a day to be angry. We should be angry at ourselves for allowing a city to be washed away while our government took days to bring water and food. We should be angry at our president for caring more about Middles Eastern wars than American citizens. We should be angry at all of our government officials who can conceive of immense war efforts while being unable to coordinate even the most basic of assistance to tens of thousands American citizens. We should be angry at fate for dealing a poor, black city a cold, hard kick in the teeth of destruction and ruin.

Lastly, this is a day to be proud. We should be proud of those who are in New Orleans today rebuilding. Those who believe in resilience and display it through their perseverance. While government at all levels failed in rescue and relief and continue to fail in vision, planning, and rebuilding, the citizens in New Orleans have dedicated themselves to their city. Godspeed to them. And God bless New Orleans.

John Mark Karr Released. Cable News "Journalists" Are Idiots

Colorado prosecutors dropped their charges today against John Mark Karr in the JonBenet Ramsey murder case after DNA samples failed to prove a match.

So, what have Anderson Cooper, Larry King, Paula Zahn, Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson, Rita Cosby and the rest of the cable news muckrakers been doing for the last two weeks?

Wasting our f-ing time.

Guess they'll have to go back to covering the civil war in Iraq, emerging cold war with Iran and the Gulf Coast Katrina anniversary.

But not to worry, my little sensationalists, I'm sure a cute white girl will get killed sometime soon.

Are there any angles of the Natalie Holloway case that they can work while they wait?

Best. Comeback. Ever.

Osama bin Laden Puts Race Aside

I can't wrap my head around this one.

It's the End of the World As We Know It, and I Feel Fine

There has been some talk that tomorrow (look here and here), Tuesday August 22nd, could possibly be the end of the world. Of course, throughout history chicken littles and religious fanatics have predicted the end of days and been repeatedly wrong. One day, however, someone will be right. And just in case Bernard Lewis and his ilk are correct, I'd like to take a moment to shed light on the things that I love on this earth, as well as the things that might be better off going up in a puff of Iranian nuclear smoke.

Of course, if the world does end tomorrow no one will read this - life's one big kick in the head, eh?

Nevertheless, I'd like to give some love to coffee and beer. I'd like to give thanks for sidewalk cafes and family run Italian restaurants. And a big F-you to Applebee's, Ruby Tuesday's and the Cheesecake Factory.

What's better than reading Milan Kundera, Salman Rushdie, or Tom Robbins? What's worse than the drivel of John Grisham, Dan Brown, or Dean Koontz?

Satire, parody, and self-deprecation are wonderful. Cable news is a pox on all of us.

Jared Fogle, Carlos Mencia, and Bluetooth headsets are all asinine. So are Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Nancy Grace and Randi Rhodes. Stephen Colbert, Dave Chapelle, John McLaughlin and the writers of the Simpsons almost make up for them.

Sushi is amazing. So is a good steak. It's amazing that ground beef hasn't killed more people.

Cities are vibrant and make you feel alive. Suburbs drain your soul. Subways are under rated. SUVs, well, enough has been said.

I love the Yankees. I hate the Red Sox. Woody Allen is immortal, despite his disturbing sexual fetishes and Small Time Crooks. Joel Schumacher and Jerry Bruckheimer make me want to drill a hole into my cerebral cortex.

MP3 players kick ass. Unless there's new country, Kid Rock, Christian rock, or Avril Lavigne on yours.

TV psychologists are bad. TV lawyers are worse.

The sky when it's pink is amazing. The beach is a dream. Being landlocked gives me the blues.

Art galleries - good. People who hang out in them - bad.

Indie rock kicks ass. Indie rock fans' proclivity for eating their young and hating success is absurd.

Big ups to The New Yorker and Atlantic Monthly. Boo to US Weekly and People.

Guys who never take off their cowboy hats are schmucks (I'm talking about you, Brad Paisley and Tim McGraw). Guys who never take off their baseball hats are idiots (yes, you, frat boys and the balding).

I love academics. I hate their arrogance and detachment from reality. I am addicted to politics. I detest its dirtiness, corruption and enslavement to corporations. Consumerism is evil. But Target is the bomb.

Wars for oil are ruining this world. So is global warming. But I love a nasty sports car with 300 horses.

And that's the essence of what's going to kill us all, no?

Sweep

How does it feel to have your ass handed to you in your own house, suckas?

Five games to none. Down 6 1/2 in the division. Eat it, Beantown.

Hype on a Plane

A student of social dynamics with more energy and ambition than myself could surely analyze the bizarre phenomenon that is Snakes on a Plane. Let me just say that, at this point, I am motherfucking tired of all this talk about motherfucking Snakes on a Plane.

One thing that I am not tired of, however, is All Your Snakes Are Belong to Us.

If you don't get that, check out this to refresh your memory.

And if you don't get that, well, you probably don't know what a blog is either, so you're likely not even reading this.

So, who do you think is more of a badass, Cats or Cobra Commander?

What you say?

You are on the way to destruction, make your time.

Alright, I'll stop now.

I'm going to go think about which is a greater threat to national security - someone setting us up the bomb or cobras nibbling all of our toes at 35,000 feet.

Red Turns Blue

I am truly excited when people who are stereotypically supposed to have a particular political stance sway to the other side. I feel this way no matter which way they are leaning. It demonstrates what democracy truly stands for and gives me hope that people are learning to have a voice of their own. It's especially nice when a group bands together and lets its voice be heard.

Montgomery Gentry Star is a Freaking Schmuck

Apparently country star Troy Lee Gentry of the duo Montgomery Gentry felt that he had to build up his country boy bona fides. It seems that he felt that signing songs about Jesus and how southerners are more American than, say, New Yorkers, couldn't compete with his partner's duster and, ummm, sombrero?

So, this is what he did. He hunted and killed a bear with a bow and arrow and taped it to make some sort of hunting porn snuff film that would transform him from the fey partner of a leather bar cowboy into a regular Johnny Cash.

Unfortunately for him, Gentry's plan had a holes. First the bear. It wasn't wild. He bought it. It was a tame bear. It was a tame bear that Gentry put into a pen and killed on tape. He then had the tape edited to make it appear that he killed it "fairly" in the wild.

Instead of being the new Hank Williams, Gentry is under arrest and facing five years in jail and a fine of $20,000.

At least, I suppose, he didn't shoot his best friend in the face.

Congratulations, Troy Lee, if that is your real name. You're a great and true American.

Fat = Cash

Ph.D. feels very strongly about Jared. Just ask.

I doubt he has pre-ordered this book, though.

Room for mice turds in your latte?

Apparently Starbucks has a bit of a problem...a dirty problem. In addition to burnt coffee and overly dry pastries it seems that the caffeine pusher is also offering other unseemly treats - vermin.

So, the next time that you squander $7 that you should be saving for retirement on an over-priced over-the-counter stimulant at Starbucks, think about whether mice and fruit flies really fit in with your yuppie bourgeois aesthetic as well as your venti soy latte mocha does.

ESPN's MNF Stinks

There's been lots of chatter regarding Tony Kornheiser's debut on Monday Night Football. Some TV writers think that he did well, intellectually challenged cartoon character Mike Golic thinks that he stunk, yadda yadda yadda.

With all of this talk about Kornheiser, however, there's been a complete glossing over of the total craptacular crapfest that is Joe Theisman and Mike Tirico. Is there a blowhard who likes to hear himself talk (this side of Sean Hannity) more than Theisman ? Is he aware that there are two other people on his broadcast team? Yes, Joe, we know that you were once an NFL quarterback. But face the facts that you were only slightly better than mediocre (Mark Rypien won a Super Bowl with Joe Gibbs, afterall - you didn't exactly have to be John Elway to succeed in that system) and most modern football fans don't know a thing about your playing career save for the fact that Lawrence Taylor snapped your leg like a turkey bone. And Tirico...dude....wake up. Someone give this guy some Ritalin. I haven't seen such a lack of charisma since I last heard Joe Lieberman speak.

Oh, for the halcyon days of Dan Fouts and Dennis Miller...

Kristin Cavallari: The Homeless Man's Paris Hilton

What's next for Kristin - heroin addiction, play thing of Charlie Sheen, or porn? Anyone want to bet on the the trifecta?

"Hybrid Mutant" Found Dead in New England. No, Not Bill Simmons Or David Ortiz.

I'm just curious if he had a skeleton of Adamantium, could control the weather, had great powers of magnetism, or could perform impresive psychic feats. Fitting that he collapsed in late summer, though. Just like the Red Sox. (Photo courtesy of Drudge)

Best. Movie poster. Ever.

K-Fed Has More Charisma Than I Thought

I'm sure by now everyone has heard of K-Fed's first single, PopoZao. James Lipton recited the lines as if they were poetry. K-Fed himself was taped rocking out to his own song inside the studio, as his hair became greasier and his eyes became beadier. Rocking out to your own song in the studio might be considered pathetic by some. I consider this to be more pathetic. If labels don't want to sign you, don't take it to mean that you should start your own record label just so you can release your record; take it to mean that you should continue mooching off of your former-hot-pop-star-turned-fat-white-trash wife.

CNN is Biased Against Israel

CNN is to Israeli citizens as Fox News is to Democrats.

For an American progressive who is also an Israeli, this certainly creates a conflict in terms of cable news allegiance. Do I watch CNN, which illustrates the bloody streets of Lebanon ad nauseum while ignoring the fact that thousands of missiles struck Israel, or do I watch Fox which presents a, dare I say, fair and balanced, account of the Israel-Hezbollah war yet continues to blindly promote the Bush administration while painting Democrats as America-hating terrorist lovers?

Perhaps I'll just turn off the TV and drink.

Israel - Hezbollah Cease Fire in Effect

It's midnight CST in the U.S., 8:00am on the Israel - Lebanon border. The U.N.-brokered cease fire goes into effect right now. Will this peace last?

If Vegas were to set an over-under for the length of time that the cease fire will hold, what would it be? With strong sentiment in Israel that not enough was accomplished and the desires of Hezbollah, as well as their Iranian backers, to destroy Israel, I'd say 4 days would be a liberal estimate.

It has happened time and time again that when outside forces have attempted to create peace in this region of the world, fundamentalists have used violence, usually against civilians, to provoke Israel into a militant defense of her people. We'll see if Hezbollah's puppet masters in Tehran and Damascus choose to continue this pattern.

UPDATE: This isn't very encouraging.

UPDATE II: At 12:36am CST, 8:36am Israeli/Lebanese time, CNN is reporting that Hezbollah is refusing to disarm south of the Litani River. Should I have set my over-under at 4 hours instead of 4 days? How about 40 minutes?

The Worldwide Leader of Self-Promotion

Each of the last two nights I had the pleasure of enjoying excellent games between the division leading Yankees and defending champion White Sox on ESPN. I wanted to give a shout out to the Worldwide Leader for somehow figuring out a way to squeeze some sports into their usually packed line-up of ESPN Mobile commercials, poker tourneys, NASCAR commercials disguised as SportsCenter stories, and Monday Night Football promos. Good work, guys.

By the way, have you heard that Tony Kornheiser is joining the MNF crew this season?

I'm, uh, the OTHER Eddie Johnson

Former NBA player Eddie Johnson is working feverishly to clear his name. It seems that another former NBA player with the same name was arrested Tuesday night for sexually assaulting an 8-year old girl. So, what gives?

The innocent Eddie Johnson is the 17 year vet, current Suns color guy, motivational speaker and all around fundamentally sound cat who spent his career taking jump shots with perfect form on Houston's strong teams of the '90's. The child molester Eddie Johnson is the one you've never heard of, is nicknamed Fast Eddie, and played most of his career with the Hawks.

In related news, Maurice Clarett has claimed that a former Ohio State running back, also named Maurice Clarett, was arrested this week with a bullet proof vest, 4 loaded guns, and a bottle of Grey Goose blocks away from a woman who was soon to testify against him in court.

I Love the Smell of Liquid Explosive in the Morning

Nothing is sexier than waking up on a Thursday morning to the first ever use of the Red/Severe level of the Department of Homeland (in)Security's terrorism warning scale. News of the thwarted attempt by our favorite band of merry Jihadists, Al Qaeda (watch out guys, Hezbollah is hot on your tail!), to bring down 9 transatlantic U.K.- U.S. planes led to a level excitement at CNN/MSNBC/FoxNews exceeded only by coverage of Tom Cruise's offspring or a Mel Gibson religious epithet.

The Wolf Blitzers of the world act like we should all be surprised that fundamentalist Islamic terror organizations are trying to attack us via the airlines. You know, it was just yesterday, in 1968, when Palestinians hijacked an El Al plane, 1976 when the notorious Entebbe hijacking occurred, 1995 when 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed planned to blow up 11 airliners over the Pacific, and 2001 when, (yes, Republican candidates, we remember!) of course, the Twin Towers fell via attack by plane.

I suppose I am being naive - it's not the media's job to inform us soberly of world events while placing them in proper perspective. It is, rather, their mission to inject us with fear, Apocalyptic terror, and a devilish combination of anxiety and pathos. Doing so, of course, keeps us watching more cable news!

News organizations are no different than tobacco companies, alcohol manufacturers, or your friendly local crank dealer. They all want to create certain physio-psychological conditions whereby you have to keep coming back to them for more and more of what they have to offer. What better to get rid of your DT's than a couple of shots of whisky? How better to make sure that you are aware of everything that might kill you today than by tuning in to Shepard Smith and Anderson Cooper?